Beat like a cheap whore on a Friday night! July 20, 2010

I’m pretty consistent on what time I go to bed every night.  Well, my internal clock was off last night.  And now it’s so fucking off-kilter that I’ll be surprised if I make it through the day without a nap at lunch.

It’s monsoon season.  Yeah.  In Phoenix.  Miserably hot and humid.  My face in an oil slick all day.  My armpits?  I’m sure if I sniffed right now, they’d already stink and it’s only 9am.  There’s no mercy, even at 5:30 am when I walk Dexter.  It’s usually already 95 degrees then.  I’m not kidding.

So, last night I was “off” by an hour getting to bed.  No biggie.  I was exhausted from power yoga after work and just Monday in general.  I had taken a cool bath (IT’S HOT OUT!!!) and read for a bit.  Lights out.  No sleep.  Change position.  No sleep.  Turn on another fan.  No sleep.

Ceiling starts leaking loudly from my A/C.  The landlord came to fix it yesterday, but apparently the damn leak decided to pick up its belongings and move because the fucker started leaking from another area.  Grab a pan.  *tink*  *tink*  *tink*  I hear every freaking drop hitting the pan.  Change position.  No sleep.

12:30am – Storm starts to roll in.  HOO-fucking-RAY!!!!! Finally we get a monsoon storm in CenPho.  This time of year can suck or be awesome.  I hate the rain, but when it’s this hot and humid and clouds roll in every night with the threat of a storm, you want it.  There have been too many teases lately.  I don’t like teases.  Thunder, lightning and Dexter barking.  Went on the patio for a bit to watch the lightning, chat with my awesome neighbors.  Finally crashed on the couch at 3am.

I’m hungry.  I’m exhausted.  3 hours of sleep.  Full day of work, writing group tonight.  I drank coffee this morning.  I drink it *maybe* once a month.  Not a big fan of it, but I knew it was going to be necessary today.

I feel angry from lack of sleep.  I’m like a 3-year old who didn’t get their nap.  Maybe I just need a breast to suck on.  (I can’t believe I typed that but I’m seriously delirious from lack of sleep.)

I can’t wait for lunchtime.  I am going to go home and take a nap and get FOOD.

I’m HANGRY.

Back to painting…finally! July 19, 2010

I can’t just sit and paint whenever I want.  It’s one of those things that just pops into my head.  About a month ago, a couple friends came and helped me paint my accent wall.  I wanted something to go with it.  The building I live in is Modern and my cabinets, kitchen, bathroom tile are all vintage.  I wanted something to go with all that.

Stalker or creep…still disconcerting.

I get really annoyed when people joke about having a stalker.  They have no idea what it really means.

MDR is what I will call this guy.  We had dated briefly (two or three weeks) two years ago.  Everything he told me, of course, turned out to be a lie.  Even his name.  Luckily, I found out quickly.  It’s funny how they will tell you everything you want to hear.  This person was a true, bona fide, psychopath.  I’ve actually been in touch with other women who were affected by him and it really scares me how things could have gone.  I thought it was over, but months would pass and there would be a text.  I didn’t have him saved in my phone, but his area code was from out-of-state, so I always knew it was him.  Notes on my car.  Fake profiles on social networking sites sending me messages.  It was pretty bad and VERY scary.  I bought really dark curtains for my house and always had them closed.  I lived in the dungeon.  My mom would freak out about it, saying I should let some light in, but she never knew exactly why.  I told her it was to keep the sun out and temperature cool.  I was really trying to protect myself.

He had seen my comedy act.  Came up to me after.  Seemed like a nice guy.  Called into and listened to my radio show religiously.  Turns out, he has 10 kids, all over the country.  Just got out of jail for drugs, theft and probation violation.  I found all of this out recently, almost two years later.  Just a couple months ago, I was looking through my Twitter followers, getting rid of spammers.  There he was.  Following all the Kardashians (HA!) and Paris Hilton.  And me.  That’s when I made it private.  I knew some of it a long time ago, but to know now…

Well, it’s happening again, just with another person.  I had a Craigslist ad up for my new business and got an email.  What he really wanted was to meet me, to take me out.  I, of course, didn’t respond.  What kind of person answers a business ad, looking for an opportunity to take someone out?  Another psychopath.  I got a friend request from him on Facebook.  No picture, no profile, but I recognized the email address.  I sent a message back, saying if he wasn’t a real friend, that I would not accept his friend request.  Just what I need: someone knowing where I’ll be.  His message back was that we had “talked” before.  Um, no, we hadn’t.  Because of my email address, he is finding me.

I’m a little freaked-out about it.  It’s getting to the point that I am seriously considering moving.  It’s nothing something I WANT to do.  I’ve got a great life here, surrounded by great people and involved in a lot of projects.  Do I change myself and become a shut-in?  Do I do a background check on every new person, male or female, that comes into my life?  I know this doesn’t just happen to me, but WHY does it happen to me?

These are both men.  Men who want(ed) to be with me.  The crazies.

Where are the normal guys?  Sometimes, I love my independence.  The fact that I can do whatever I want, when I want.  Then, there are those times that having a relationship is what I want.  I’ve always been the “no-strings” girl, but I just don’t know if that’s what I want anymore.  Maybe what I need is not a string, but a fine thread.  The kind that you can see in the light, but it’s so filmy that you can’t see it all the time.  But, it’s still there.

Friends. How many of us have them? July 13, 2010

In my life, I’m surrounded by people.  Different circles of different people.  Some of them overlap, like a Venn Diagram.  Others are completely separate and simply…friends.

Tonight, I got home from work and wanted to go to dinner.  Hadn’t really thought of where, if I should go alone or call a friend.  Then…BAM!  Text from Robert.  Robert is definitely one of my best friends.  He’s always my biking partner and we will get our asses out there, even if nobody else will go.  He’s one of the FEW people I feel I can be myself around, along with his partner, Bacon.  Robert and I have some sort of psychic connection.  Somehow, he knows when I am home sick from work (or just playing hooky) and I’ll get a text about going to lunch.  We enjoy each others’ company immensely!  He’s one of the few people that I won’t see for a month or two, but it’s like we’ve never NOT seen each other.

I have a lot of acquaintances.  Hell, I know everybody in this damn city.  But knowing them all and counting them as a friend are two different things.  I am grateful to have the connections that I do.  It comes in handy quite often.  I’m involved in a lot of little projects/groups and that keeps things fresh.  I love meeting new people and learning about them, but I don’t want to be friends with everyone!

This was another Twitter discussion that got me thinking: Who are my friends?

Beauty/home remedies from Amy. :} July 10, 2010

So, on Twitter the other day, we got into a discussion about skin care.  I am lucky enough to have good skin, but I also take care of it.  Also, I was raised by a single mom and we were really poor, so Mom had to find ways to fix things without going to the doctor.  I’ll be updating this post as more come to mind.

First, skin.  The MOST IMPORTANT THING is to wash your face.  I know, right?  It sounds ridiculous, but not matter how tired you are at the end of the day, or how drunk you are and just want to pass out, you need to do this.  At night, I use Kiss My Face Olive Oil soap.  Moisturizing is the second most important thing.  Many think that if you have oily skin or acne, you shouldn’t do this, but the only way for skin to recover from life’s daily stresses is to be soft and supple for all that junk to leave your skin.  I like to take a few drops of olive oil and just pat it all over my face.  I’ll use a little extra under my eyes.  Hey, Sophia Loren swears by it and she looks amazing!  Do this at night, not during the day.  I’ve tried it and when you put makeup on over olive oil, it looks “patchy.”  During my morning shower, I’ll use the same olive oil soap or a scrub like St. Ives Swiss Formula Apricot Facial Scrub.  My daytime moisturizer is plain old Oil of Olay (“It can help you look younger, too!” was their ad in the 70s and 80s!).

Keep your makeup simple!  I’ve seen so many foundation/powder disasters!  Daytime makeup should be light.  If you put too much crap on your face, it actually shows your lines more.  I like mineral powder.  The one I get is from Ulta and it’s called “Bare Minerals.”  Have them test it on you to find the right tone, as you don’t want your face to be ten shades darker or lighter than your neck/chest area.  Lash Blast is the most amazing mascara and really pumps up your lashes.

Hair.  I am alllllllllllllllll about proper hair care, too.  If you can buy it at Walgreen’s, you shouldn’t use it!!!!!  When I was in the beauty biz, I learned a lot about hair product ingredients, and many of them actually do more damage than good, no matter what the label or those stupid fucking commercials say.  Alfaparf is what I use to shampoo, condition and treat.  You can only get it at salons.  Yeah, it costs more, but my liter of shampoo has lasted me 8 months so far.  Oh, and a REALLY GOOD shampoo will NOT lather like commercial stuff.  Americans are obsessed with things that lather.  The ingredients that make lather are the most damaging to your hair.  Wash your hair, rinse and put on conditioner.  As with your face, your hair needs to be moisturized, no matter what type of hair you have.  Buy the right product for your hair type.  Leave it in your hair for at least 5 minutes.  I like to shampoo and condition, then wash my body at the conditioner sits.

The right styling products for your hair are essential.  Root boosters are awesome!  I always begin drying my hair by bending over, so that the roots dry first and give more body.  A round brush is really good for more body and straightening.  My very favorite styling products are made by a company called A/G out of Canada.  I cocktail a lot, which means I’ll mix a couple/few together to get the results I’m looking for.

Try to avoid skin products made with mineral oil.  That’s a petroleum product.  It doesn’t let your skin breathe.

If you have a pimple, dab on a drop of lavender oil at night.  Lavender oil is probably the most awesome essential out there and I use it a lot.  I’ll mix a few drops in with the olive oil at night to keep my skin clear and help me sleep.  A few drops on your pillow also helps.  While I’m on the subject of sleeping, I have a hard time getting there many nights.  Melatonin, friends!   Take 3mg a half hour before bed.  You’ll feel your eyelids start to droop and off to slumber!  It’s amazing and not habit-forming.  Oh, and just an FYI, you should get 8 hours of sleep a night.  Your social life won’t die because you go home a half hour before anyone else.  ;}

I get headaches.  There’s a lot of strain on my neck and shoulders because of these gigantic boobs!  The BEST headache remedies don’t come in pill form.  Take a tablespoon of olive oil (see how awesome it is???!!!) with 10 drops of peppermint oil and 5 drops of lavender oil and mix it with your fingers.  Rub the mixture all along your scalp line, rubbing a bit firmly but not enough to hurt.  I like to do this then lie back on a pillow with an ice pack at the back of my neck.

If you’re sore after a really good workout, take a bath with 2 cups of epsom salts.  Actually, take your bath the night of your workout or massage to prevent more soreness.

1am swim, anyone?

So, it was 112 out today with 30% humidity.  It felt like MURDER out there.  Not that I know what it’s like to be murdered, but if I did, this is what it would feel like.  Took Dexter out at midnight and decided to try out the pool.  DIVINE!  Got my neighbor, Jada to come out.

I love living in my building!  There are only 12 apartments, and it was designed by Al Beadle.  It’s post-modern.  There have been some tenant changes, but only because of my landlord who died in April.  He was a drunk and a pill-popper and caused a lot of drama.  Before he died, he made it hell for a few tenants and they moved out.  We tried keeping one girl here after he died, but she moved Downtown.

The rest of my neighbors are pretty awesome.  It’s the kind of place where you know all your neighbors.  Well, except for the new lady downstairs.  She’s always borrowing everyone’s phones to use and has cab drivers come over to pay for sex.  She’s only been here since the beginning of June and said she’s  moving out because she can’t make rent.  What the hell?  I have too much shit to move and cannot fathom that ordeal.

One night, Justin (the landlord that died), was on a drunken rampage.  He came over at 4 when I got home from work and was already blasted.  I had texted him earlier in the day to tell him the A/C wasn’t working well.  This happened the day after St. Patrick’s Day.  So, he changed my A/C filter and I was on my way to go hiking, like I always do after work.  When I got off the mountain and back into my car, there were texts from him calling me lazy (even though that day I rode my bike to and from work TWICE and hiked for 90 minutes) and said that I should get a man to do things because I either didn’t know how or was too lazy.  When I got home and was making dinner, there were 3 cop cars in my parking lot.  He had called the cops on my neighbors because of their puppy.  PUPPY.  He said it was vicious.  This puppy was about 40 pounds and my Dexter, who is 9 pounds, is more vicious.  Anyway, he could barely speak, he was so drunk, and the cops told him to just go inside and go to bed.  Fifteen minutes later, the cops were back.  He had opened the patio door to a neighbor’s house and let their dog out.  My other neighbor saw it running up the street and went after it.  He then took their bike and threw it into the deep end of our pool.  The cops were pretty pissed and made him jump in to go get it.  We didn’t see him for a few days after that. (More on his death in a later post.)

There is also a cool couple downstairs, Will and Jada.  They’re the ones I started hanging out with the night I moved in here.  Younger couple but I absolutely love Jada.  Will’s cool, too, I just know her better.  She’s the one I went to the pool with tonight.

So, finally living with “neighbors” makes being home pleasant.  No loud parties.  Only the cab-hooker lady downstairs makes it weird, but everyone needs that one strange neighbor, right?

The Most Confusing Part of Life Is… July 9, 2010

Love

Don’t stop believin’.

I’ve watched this a dozen times this morning.  It reminds me of the final scene in Sopranos.  I bawled like a little baby when that show ended.  I also get caught up in Glee once in awhile and saw their Journey episode about a month ago.

It’s just a great song, so I had to share.  Also, their new singer was found because of him doing karaoke to Journey.  How cool is that???

It feels like murder!

I got up a half hour earlier than usually this morning to walk Dexter.  It’s been getting hotter as the week progresses and the nights aren’t as cool.  6am.  92 fucking degrees and humid as hell.  Monsoon season.  I fucking hate it.  It feels like murder outside.

I don’t want to be here at work today.  My boss is out of town until Monday and I know I won’t accomplish much.  I want to be home, in my cool apartment, down at the pool reading a book.  Anywhere but here.

It’s been a pretty bizarre week and I had a few crazy experiences, so I’m glad it’s almost over.  This is going to be one of those weekends when I just hibernate.  Supposed to go to the Improv tonight or tomorrow night, but that will be all I do, if I even go.  I have a lot of shit to meditate on.  My career, my comedy, the boys in my life.

I need to make a few serious changes and it will hurt others more than me, but I’m don’t want to feel obligated about everything.  I’ve stopped doing it for the most part, but there’s that last tie I need to cut.  He’ll wonder why, and I have to try to find a way to explain without killing his ego.  Well, I really don’t care about killing his ego.  Maybe that’s what he needs.  Because, seriously, he sucks at everything.  That’s not me just being a bitch.  I’ll support people to the end of the world, but I also think people need to know if what they’re doing is completely horrible that they need to stop.  Not everyone belongs onstage.  I’m no expert, but I’ve been doing this for so long and seen so many people that should just quit, but they don’t.

It’s ok to have a dream, but when it’s a nightmare for everyone else to see, it’s time to re-think your goals.  And get off the fucking stage.

Are you fucking kidding me??? July 8, 2010

Do you *really* think it’s ok to insult me onstage RIGHT AFTER I GO ON???  You don’t even fucking know me.

Seriously, this is why it sucks being a female comic.  It’s not ok to go up and the first words out of your mouth dis my act AND call me a whore?  As if I go around banging all the comics.  Excuse me???  It’s hard enough to get respect in this business, even after all these fucking years.  Sure, the opportunity is ALWAYS there, but do I fucking take it?  HELL NO.  It’s extremely unprofessional to shit where you eat. If it were true, I wouldn’t be this pissed.  I’d be embarrassed because most of you are fucking losers.

I am so fucking angry right now, I could spit nails, you orange on a stick.  Yeah, your head is too big for you skinny, twerpy body.  If I spit those nails high enough, I could pop that egomanic head of yours.