I cried a little today. October 26, 2010

I’ve been a wall for a few years.  In relationships with men, I haven’t been able to open up since my last break-up, which was almost 4 years ago.  I became hard because of the hurt and abuse I had been through.  I’m sure some of them could have worked out, but I couldn’t open up.  Until now.

When you meet someone and feel an instant attraction to them, rarely do you let anything get in the way.  I had met him 6 months ago and we went out once but I guess we just didn’t figure it was the right time.  We work together and wanted to keep it cool.  Then we got back in touch a couple months ago.  I’ve never been hit so hard by one person.  Not physically.  Well, I guess physically but not abusively.  Just…a feeling that felt physical but came from emotions.  I couldn’t wait for any tiny bit of contact.  He actually called.  I couldn’t wait to see him and just be next to him.  I craved it all day and night.  I finally *felt* something for someone.

There was a great lack of communication and it came to blows this past weekend.  I’m sad.  I’m heartbroken.  And I’m remembering why I don’t open up to people.  Because that’s the guy.  The one I wanted to be with for awhile.

 

It’s funny how things come together with one change… October 20, 2010

Until a month ago, I was working a job that was sucking the life out of me.  I didn’t want to do anything after work, didn’t want to see anyone.  I was performing, just not as much.  I needed a nap after work everyday, just to get through whatever was going to happen that evening.

Then, I quit.  I had a job offer with wonderful opportunities, working with people I already know and like.  Great, supportive bosses who want to see people succeed.

I’ve also been spending more time with people in the comedy world.  I’ve started going to shows again, just to watch and support my colleagues.  I’m more cheerful and working harder and harder on promoting myself.  It’s paying off and it feels good!

I’ve got wonderful, positive people surrounding me on a daily basis.  I’m also getting to know people better and breaking out of my hibernating shell.  I’m a generally shy person, but I’m becoming more comfortable and trusting around people.  I’m networking more and will be starting to work on my own brand in the coming months.

I entered NaNoWriMo, which is a challenge to write a novel in a month.  I have 30 days to write 50,000 words.  I’ve been told my entire adult life that I need to write a book.  I’m finally going to do it.  It starts November 1st.  I’m excited about it and I’ve cleared my schedule of everything, even comedy, for the month.  I’ve got an awesome idea for it – my apartment building.  I even have a name for my character already.  It’s going to be tough, but also a dream come true.

So, like they say, everything happens for a reason.  That’s been my mantra for years.  It’s just finally nice that the reason(s) are good ones.  :}

Gratitude. October 17, 2010

I cannot express how grateful I am feeling today.  I had a gig last night, and although I perform every week, sometimes more than once, I worked really hard to promote last night’s show.  It was in my neighborhood, so I knew a lot of people would come see me.  And that’s the thing that got me:  They came to see ME.  At the end of the show, I was outside saying goodnight to everyone and I was close to tears.  I seriously almost cried.

I guess it’s an evolution of the people I’m involved with.  They’re good people, the ones in my life.  I have so many friends that I am sometimes overwhelmed.  My doctor.  My massage therapist.  Yelpers.  Tweeple.  Facebook friends.  To get such support was magical, really.  I came home last night, after a month of HARD promoting, completely exhausted.  It’s almost 3pm Sunday afternoon and I haven’t slept yet.

So, to everyone who came out, or even meant to, I thank you with all my heart and soul.  It really made the hard work worth it!!

The many faces of love… October 10, 2010

I’ve had this question in my mind a lot lately.  I’ve got the most wonderful life and amazing people in it.  The word “love” pops up a lot and, to me, it has several definitions.  It’s not just about that person you love that you may want to spend the rest of your life with, but also about the qualities you find in the people and things around you.  The things I love:

I love my dog.  I love that fucking 9-pound beast with all my heart and soul.  I love my cat, too, because he’s not as demanding of my attention as my dog.  He’s sweet.  I love that he is a bit more independent, too.

I love my apartment.  Sure, it’s got its quirks.  Like flush gently.  It’s also a girl, I think.  I love the things I’ve done to it, like painting my walls and painting canvasses.  I love my bed and my extra-special leopard-print sheets.  I love the majority of experiences I’ve had in my bed, most of them by myself.  I love to sleep.

I love the comedy world, though I hate it at the same time.  There are different kinds of love I have for some of the comics.  I love seeing people do a great set.  Then again, I love seeing some people bomb.  I love the people I’m involved with on a personal level in the comedy businesses.  I love that some of them are in my mind and heart on a daily basis.  I love watching hard work come to fruition and I love their successes.

I love my building and my neighbors, even though I saw one neighbor taking cigarette butts out of an ashtray this afternoon.

I love my job and the opportunities I will have there.  I love the company and the way it treats its employees.

Most of all, though, I love myself.  I love that I know my limitations.  I love that I am finally comfortable with my body, even though it took almost 40 years.  I love the artwork on my body.  I love my hair.  I love my personality and the fact that others see it, too.  I love that I love.  That after almost 2 years of being hardened inside by love gone wrong, my heart is opening again. Slowly, but surely, I am loving again, in a special way.

I love life.  The path that I’ve taken.  The good feelings every morning and evening and throughout the day.

I love Facebook.  I love Twitter.   I love Yelp.  I love the people that they have gotten me closer to and introduced into my life.

I love Phoenix and the opportunities I’ve had here.  The ones that keep coming.  The ones that will come in the future.

I love.