How can anyone say or think this was done…for publicity??? May 5, 2011

It saddens me that people think I donated my kidney for attention. It’s been over two weeks since the transplant surgery, yet I still see it being said. Wait. This doesn’t sadden me. It hurts. It hurts really badly that anyone could think this. It also makes me extremely angry that anyone could say such a thing. Obviously, they are people that don’t know me (or Kirti) at ALL. Yeah, we’re shameless in promoting our cause. But that shame has already found a kidney for someone else…that we don’t even know. We’ve had so many people asking us both questions about the surgery, and that is what makes it all worthwhile.

For publicity???? Let’s get something straight here: I donated my kidney to a friend’s mom because there was a need that ANYONE could fulfill. Guess what? I’m not the type of person to stand by and not at least TRY to do something. I would have been CRUSHED if I hadn’t been a match and had to sit by waiting for someone else to step forward. Yeah, I guess I’m a gutsy broad but I’m also a nice, gutsy broad who would do ANYTHING for the people in my life who mean so much to me.

For publicity???? For 4 months I have physically and emotionally suffered through all of this. Actually, almost 5 months. I have been poked for blood over a dozen times. Though I have to have a yearly blood test anyway, the feel of a needle going into my arm every 3 hours was NOT pleasant. Could you do it? I’d gone through 8 weeks of testing (I could have done it all in 3 days, but I was afraid to lose time from work. See where THAT thinking got me???) that I did ALONE. I was terrified during the CT scan. I had never had health issues in my life and here I was, having iodine shot into my body. But as I lay there, all I kept thinking was “TinyMom hasn’t had pizza in 10 years. I can do this.” I went in for what I thought was a simple blood test one Saturday and was checked into a hospital room, because it was a 3-hour test. I had no idea it was going to take that long. I broke down in front of the nurse and told her “Just get it over with. I need this done for TinyMom.” Those were my exact words. And I cried. Alone. In a hospital room. For 3 hours on the day of my birthday dinner and FnB fundraiser. I couldn’t really enjoy either celebration because I was still in pain from the testing that day.

My testing wasn’t even done yet when I lost my job. There are several reasons surrounding that, but the testing was so stressful and time-consuming, I couldn’t concentrate at work. I am 40 years old and I was unemployed. Not only that, but I had to go on-camera for a few news stations and talk about it. I had to hold in my emotions, even though I wanted to break down and scream and kick and cry, to get the word out AGAIN about kidney disease. I do not like the publicity which everyone seems to think is the driving factor in all this. I may be a performer, but once there’s no mic in my hand, I am an introvert. I have to recharge by being alone at home quite often. Every time we were on the news, I watched. And cringed. The attention wasn’t always welcome. My phone, Twitter and Facebook blew up and I couldn’t keep up with it. I wasn’t taking care of myself in order to answer everyone else. I didn’t sleep or eat or shower or leave the house for 2 days after I was fired. Does that sound like I did all of this for publicity???? (By the way, the “publicity” got me an awesome job, doing what I love, because of someone following me on Twitter.)

For publicity????? For 5 days after my surgery, I didn’t shit. That’s right. I didn’t take a shit because of the pain killers I had been on. My stomach was bloated as if I were 3 months pregnant. I couldn’t stand up straight and it hurt to sit down. I also got my period, after it had JUST ended 5 days prior. So, as I am bloated, swollen and in pain from not shitting, I got to attempt to change my tampons. Once I finally got my body going (I mean ONCE I TOOK A SHIT), the pain started to subside. I had to take two stool softeners a day, drink Miralax AND shove a suppository up my ass. I did THAT for publicity, mind you.

I have a 4-inch scar that is still healing, in my PUBES. That means I can’t shave “down there” for quite awhile. I have 4 laproscopy scars on my stomach, with scabs the size of nickles and dimes. That itch. That hurt when I bend over. The incision below is still swollen and I have just now begun to wear underwear because it’s been too swollen & uncomfortable. I am finally weening myself off the Vicodin, which I hate taking. I can’t wear any of my normal clothes yet because of the swelling.

I get really tired still, which is normal because my remaining kidney is growing. I can only go out in public for about an hour at a time and need a nap right after. This means I’m missing out on a LOT of comedy (which has been my life for 8 years), birthday parties, going-away parties and social functions. I am lucky to have the friends that I do and I get visitors, but it’s not the same as being surrounded by people.

My sleep patterns are completely fucked-up. Because I have to nap a couple times a day, I rarely get to sleep at night before 3am.I have a job to do. I have an Ignite presentation to do. I have Dexter to take care of. I have laundry to do. I HAVE to make myself get up, often after only a few hours of sleep, because life goes on.

The word “altruism” has been shoved around a lot the past few months, in regards to me donating my kidney. Here is the definition of altruism, from dictionary.com:

“–noun

1.

the principle or practice of unselfish concern for or devotion to the welfare of others ( opposed to egoism).”

As the oldest in my family, I’ve always taken care of those around me. I was the oldest being raised by a single mom. So, for about 33 years, I *have* been altruistic. And damn fucking straight I donated my kidney because I’m altruistic. I happen to care about others. I have often put others’ welfare before mine. I’m not a saint. I’m not forgetting myself. I’m wanting the people around me to be happy. As happy as I am. Yes, I am an extremely happy person with an amazing life. Even more amazing now.

So, for those of you who don’t realize WHO I am and spew your ignorance about doing things for publicity, or thinking I did this for any reason OTHER than wanting to help someone else:

FUCK YOU. You’re ignorant. You don’t know me OR Kirti. And you can suck my fucking left one. ALL of you who have said it. Eat a fucking bag of dicks, as my friend Arik has said. EABOD. And choke.

Uh, yeah, I take responsibility – enough to try to change March 30, 2011

Going through all the tests to donate my kidney has been brutal. I know people see me with a smile on my face & always being positive, but that’s in public. The testing was BRUTAL. I spent 10 hours in the hospital on Valentine’s Day. My 40th birthday was spent on the phone with Mayo, scheduling more tests. I have a mammogram done, which showed a lump. I had to wait a week before I could get in to have another one done, just to make sure I was ok. I spent a week worrying about breast cancer. I’ve cried more in the past 2 months than I have in two years. Alone.

To think that people assume I am doing all of this for publicity – for myself – is more than ignorant. I cannot believe the things people are saying about ME. I go home from work everyday, exhausted from the mental stress and anguish over when I’m going through. For over two months now, I looked at my job as a retreat from everything – but it kept following me. Something this huge (And, yes, it IS huge) is hard to put out of my mind. I missed a lot of work and was distracted much of the time.

The funny thing is, the job I was doing wasn’t even what I wanted to do. But, I was told during my interview that the company was growing & there would be a lot of opportunities in the near future. I was encouraged to take the job because of what the future would hold. So, I learned, I worked, I took feedback and tried my best to do well. Sometimes, things aren’t a fit, so I spoke up a few weeks ago and went to our recruiter. People were being hired from outside the company for the positions I really wanted to do, but nothing was ever posted. I never applied for anything else because I didn’t know about them. I did what I thought I should and took initiative. I am not the type of person to just sit back and think I will be noticed and picked out of a crowd without some sort of signal. You will never get anywhere in this world by sitting back and waiting. I was extremely frustrated, to be honest.

My distraction, time out and frustration of trying to do what I wasn’t best at caused me to fail for 2 months. I failed. I am not used to failing. It’s not a word I use OR take lightly. But, I tried to do better and show that I was eager to try new thing.

Never have I NOT taken responsibility for my actions. I say this because I read what people are saying about me. Their ignorance of the true story and FACTS mars my reputation and skirts the TRUTH.

There has been a lot of publicity, especially since I was fired yesterday, but it hasn’t been done or said by me. I cannot control what others say, but I will not be the person to cause a scene. Was it a bad play on their part with everything going on to fire me instead of try to find that niche for an employee who obviously loved the company? Hell yeah. Have I personally raised a stink about it? Not yet.

I feel that I hadn’t gotten much support from the company, besides fellow employees and a couple managers. Not once was I asked if I was doing ok. Fine, it’s a business.  But, that business is run by…people.

I am disappointed in myself for not saying something sooner about wanting to change departments. I wanted to be appreciated for who I was and what I could truly bring.

What everyone else says is their business. Nowhere have I bashed anyone or the company I worked for. Nowhere have I placed any blame on anyone else but myself.

So, as you read this, and know that I’ve remained completely professional from the day I volunteered to donate my kidney to a friend’s mom until 30 seconds ago while writing this. So, as you spew your opinions without even ASKING about the truth, you make yourself look like a jackass.

I’ve met some great people face-to-face, finally, the past several weeks. I’ve also learned that the word “friend” sorely needs to be redefined.