Nervous, excited, scared, humbled December 30, 2012

The past week or so has really sucked. On Friday the 21st of December, I woke up with a sore throat. I went out to a comedy show that night, and didn’t feel sick. I just had a sore throat. I woke up the next day with the full-blown flu.

My parents were already at my sister’s house in Orange County, and I was to drive there the 23rd or 24th. It never happened, as the flu got worse. I felt like I had been run over by a steam roller. I was just exhausted and my neck hurt for a day. I took really good care of myself by sleeping a lot. I had an appetite, so I just kept eating. I used my neti pot every day and gargled with warm salt water. I think all of that is what helped me. Though I was sick for 7 days, I didn’t feel like I was on death’s door. I was just SO tired and a little weak. I missed Xmas with my family, which sucked. I love my niece, Olivia, so much! She’s almost 10 now and she stayed with me for a week this past summer. It’s the first time she’s ever flown here by herself and came to stay with me. We had a blast and it just broke my heart that I couldn’t be there. The drive would have killed me.

I woke up the other day to a comment on one of my posts here. Someone else is offering us a place to stay on our trip. I do not know this person, and she is the second one to offer. I’m so touched! Every day I see more and more likes on the Facebook page  (https://www.facebook.com/SocialMediaStoleMyKidney) and I got messages the past few days from people I don’t even know. The other donors are incredibly supportive and they comment and share some of my posts. As a Social Media person, this page is doing what it’s supposed to!

Some time this week, I get to talk to firemen in NYC. A friend of mine told me about a kidney donation between them and knows a couple of the guys. How cool would it be to sneak in some NYC firemen???!!! That’s America right there! My father was a volunteer firemen, so it will be pretty cool to see them. I will, of course, get pics with them because we all know how sexy they are. Hahaha!

Tomorrow, Jimmy and I work on the script. I’ve got a meeting on Wednesday with Dr. Jean Robey. She is TinyMom’s doctor and has given me a lot of advice, feedback, and motivation the past few weeks. I definitely need it!

I’m a bit overwhelmed, but I’m ok.

I’m a bit nervous, but I’m ok.

I’m excited, too, to share all of these stories with everyone.

Most of all, though, I’m humbled beyond words at the help and support I am getting.

Staying inspired & motivated isn’t easy. December 22, 2012

Last weekend, I spent 6 hours working on the itinerary and budget for the film. It’s a daunting task. I keep forgetting about things that will be needed. Thankfully, Dr. Robey has been there to help me and hear me vent. She’s got some great ideas!

January is going to be the big month. I’ve got a weekend of fundraisers lined up. I’ll be starting a Kickstarter campaign on the 1st. They give you 30 days (you can set it for more time, but statistically 30 days gets the best results.) I never really looked at the cost of this. In the beginning, I just figured we would raise enough to pay for gas and see what else we could get. I’m also hoping that my comedian friends in some of the cities we are visiting can hold a benefit show for us to be a part of the night we are in those cities. I’m excited. I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed.

I just watched “Craigslist Joe” on Netflix. I’m not feeling too well today, so I spent the day on the couch. It’s a cold/cough thing, and I know I got it from being run-down the past couple of weeks. It’s been pretty crazy with holiday parties, special events, and a little comedy thrown in. Anyway, this movie is about a guy who travels cross-country, relying solely on the kindness of Craiglist users to help him along the way. He got rides. He got places to say. He was fed. He met amazing people (and some crazy!) along the way. All I kept thinking about was what our trip will bring. Who we will meet. How each donor will impact my life. What the end product will look like. I cried.

I can’t wait to make this film to change the world’s perspective on live organ donation. I can’t wait to hear from people who donated because of seeing our film. I can’t wait to hear about the lives saved!

But most of all, I can’t wait to meet the other donors. I feel like I already know some of them. From Facebook, Twitter, phone calls and emails, I know these people. We haven’t met face-to-face yet, but it really doesn’t matter.

The girl I used to be December 20, 2012

I used to not care too much about having people close to me.

I used to give a guy one chance, then ditch him.

I used to worry about myself: projects, goals, etc., without worrying about someone else’s.

I used to think everyone hated me.

I used to feel like I was just being used. I was.

I used to feel like I couldn’t be taken seriously. At all.

Over the past two years, my life – and I – have completely changed. I had so many walls up for so many reason. Not just for relationships with men, but with friends, too. I honestly didn’t care all that much because I was so focused on doing my own thing. I guess we all need that.  I am the oldest and I was raised by a single mom. I had to learn how to cook and take care of my little sister when I was just 8 years old. I learned to “tough it out” and just plow through. I had a boyfriend all through High School, and we broke up when I was 21. I immediately started to date the guy I ended up marrying. We were together for 10 years. After we split, I was with the love of my life for 4 years. That brought me to 31 years old. I had never had any freedom to just be myself and do what I want to do. I started doing comedy, had my own radio show for 4 years, and got involved heavily in the local music scene. I didn’t much want to have a relationship. I had some amazing guys come into my life, but I just couldn’t open up. A doctor, two lawyers, and many more successful men. What “every girl wants.” Right. I didn’t.

Then I did a 180 during the whole kidney donation. I heard from people from around the world. I learned what true friends were. I lost a few along the way, but that just goes to show they weren’t real friends to begin with.  A restaurant I had never eaten at, but followed me on Twitter, brought me food the day after I got out of the hospital. Friends came and watched movies with me. I had a younger guy who was my rock during that time. My walls slowly started to break down.

Now, almost 2 years later and a huge project ahead of me, I need that special person by my side. I need someone to vent to, to cry to, to get hugs from when they needed them. It’s not easy being with me. I am a lot to handle. A lot of men are intimidated by me.

What people don’t often realize is that beneath this hard, public exterior, lies a real girl. The kind who dreams and feels and cries and writes. The kind of girl who learned to tell people how she felt about them.

I learned that you can’t hold back, because people can’t read minds.

There’s this one guy…

There’s this one guy who stares at me.

There’s this one guy who makes me blush.

There’s this one guy who makes me nervous.

There’s this one guy who freaks me out.

There’s this one guy who makes me shake.

There’s this one guy who makes me feel shy.

There’s this one guy who makes me self-conscious.

There’s this one guy who I can never wait to see.

There’s this one guy who almost made me jump out of my car to run out and kiss him.

There’s this one guy who I have to wear red lipstick around because it prevents me from kissing him and getting it all over my face.

There’s this one guy who I spend extra time on styling my hair for because I know how he likes it.

There’s this one guy who makes me melt when I see him with his dog.

There’s this one guy who knows me more than most people.

There’s this one guy who makes me laugh.

There’s this one guy I tell almost everything to.

There’s this one guy whose beauty makes my eyes water.

There’s this one guy with a smile that breaks my heart.

There’s this one guy who supports me, and I don’t know why.

There’s this one guy.

 

Helping new donors December 12, 2012

While I was testing to donate, I had a lot of personal “interviews” with many people on my team at Mayo. You get a Social Worker, and Advocate, a psych test (hahahaha yes, I passed! ), and all of the medical people. Those people kept me very well-informed, but they were lacking one thing: None of them were donors. Though they’d witnessed donations and performed them, they’d never donated. So, they don’t know what things *feel* like.

I don’t remember how long it was after my donation that I found the Living Donors group on Facebook. My donation had pretty much taken over my life, but I never had anyone who KNEW how I felt to talk to. It would have been nice to have such a network for myself.

So, what I’m getting at is that if all goes well with this film, I will make some money. I’d like to be able to start a foundation that mentors donors, before and after surgery. I love giving people information and sharing a very intimate experience with someone who’s been through it.

I talked to a woman tonight who donated on November 9th. I left a voicemail with another  woman after getting a message on the Facebook page. Her husband needs a kidney.

This has to continue to be talked about.