I used to not care too much about having people close to me.
I used to give a guy one chance, then ditch him.
I used to worry about myself: projects, goals, etc., without worrying about someone else’s.
I used to think everyone hated me.
I used to feel like I was just being used. I was.
I used to feel like I couldn’t be taken seriously. At all.
Over the past two years, my life – and I – have completely changed. I had so many walls up for so many reason. Not just for relationships with men, but with friends, too. I honestly didn’t care all that much because I was so focused on doing my own thing. I guess we all need that. I am the oldest and I was raised by a single mom. I had to learn how to cook and take care of my little sister when I was just 8 years old. I learned to “tough it out” and just plow through. I had a boyfriend all through High School, and we broke up when I was 21. I immediately started to date the guy I ended up marrying. We were together for 10 years. After we split, I was with the love of my life for 4 years. That brought me to 31 years old. I had never had any freedom to just be myself and do what I want to do. I started doing comedy, had my own radio show for 4 years, and got involved heavily in the local music scene. I didn’t much want to have a relationship. I had some amazing guys come into my life, but I just couldn’t open up. A doctor, two lawyers, and many more successful men. What “every girl wants.” Right. I didn’t.
Then I did a 180 during the whole kidney donation. I heard from people from around the world. I learned what true friends were. I lost a few along the way, but that just goes to show they weren’t real friends to begin with. A restaurant I had never eaten at, but followed me on Twitter, brought me food the day after I got out of the hospital. Friends came and watched movies with me. I had a younger guy who was my rock during that time. My walls slowly started to break down.
Now, almost 2 years later and a huge project ahead of me, I need that special person by my side. I need someone to vent to, to cry to, to get hugs from when they needed them. It’s not easy being with me. I am a lot to handle. A lot of men are intimidated by me.
What people don’t often realize is that beneath this hard, public exterior, lies a real girl. The kind who dreams and feels and cries and writes. The kind of girl who learned to tell people how she felt about them.
I learned that you can’t hold back, because people can’t read minds.