When I was 7, my parents were splitting up. My father was an alcoholic. This was the mid-70s, and women did NOT get divorced, but my mom was strong enough to see that this was not going to be a good marriage, nor would it be good for my sister and I to live in such a toxic household. My father is gone now, but I still remember “the talk” he had with me when I was 8 or 9. He sat me down, and said to me, “Amy, there are two words I never want to hear you say. ‘I can’t.'” Now, I thought at first he meant that he couldn’t say it, that it was too terrible, but after a few seconds I realized he meant the phrase “I can’t.” I can still hear him saying it, and I’ve had it in my head my entire life.
About a month ago, my friend Alison posted on Facebook about “body positive” being bullshit, and it is. I know, you’re thinking “But positive thinking will help us reach our goals.” Blah, blah, blah. Keep up with THAT excuse, because you’re not DOING anything, you’re just THINKING. When you weigh 250 pounds, you’d better not fucking feel good about that. Not only are you fat, (yes, I said it!), but you’re unhealthy and you risk health problems. Serious health problems. Stop it already! Grow a fucking pair of balls, get off your ass, and pay attention to the shit you’re putting in your mouth.
That may sound crass, but I am honestly tired of the excuses. If I see “everything in moderation” one more goddamn time, I am going to stab my eyes out, but not before cutting the tongue out of the person who said it so they can never say that again. No, NOT everything in moderation. Not only is some shit terrible for you anyway (don’t get me started on microwave popcorn, or you will end up in a mental institute), but that’s just another excuse to eat/drink whateverthefuck you want. NOT everything in moderation because even diet pop is going to make you gain weight. “But it has zero calories!” Right. Zero calories makes it healthy??? Since when? Because it DOESN’T have sugar, diet pop makes you CRAVE sugar. I know, it doesn’t fucking make any sense, but that’s the way it is.
I just took a deep breath because I’m pissed off and I want to share a couple tips with you:
1. Throw out your microwave. If you are overweight, you are most likely eating a lot of processed foods. All those pre-packaged foods by Weight Watchers or Hot Pockets are terrible for you. I don’t give a shit who made it, frozen entrees won’t help you do ANYTHING. They. Are. Junk. Get rid of the microwave and lift up a goddamn knife and MAKE something. Sorry you’ll have to miss 15 minutes of CSI: Miami. You probably have a DVR anyway, so fucking pause it.
2. Two things that should never be ingested. Ever. Microwave popcorn and pop, whether it’s regular or diet. (You may say soda, but it’s pop. Deal with it.) The bags that the popcorn come in are coated in chemicals, which the fake heat (Again, this is my microwave oven rant/hatred) stimulates to coat your popcorn. GROSS. (You can Google that shit yourself, I’m not making this up!) And pop? What’s GOOD for you in pop? If you can give me FIVE things, I will let it slide. That goes for regular and diet.
3. If you have a dog, for fuck’s sake, take it for a walk! Just because you have a big backyard, your dog DESERVES to get out into the world. Dogs are social animals. They like to smell shit (literally and figuratively) and meet other dogs and people. Dogs need to KNOW your neighborhood in case they get out. They need to be familiar with their surroundings. Plus, IT GETS YOU OFF YOUR ASS. Put in some earbuds and find a great podcast to listen to. Plus, you’re at work all day. Doesn’t your dog, who provides you with unconditional live, deserve to go outside and see the world? Dexter is my world, and it’s my job to give him the best life possible. That’s what a walk does.
Stop making excuses. Hate yourself enough to motivate yourself. Get angry with your gut hanging over your pants. Go for a walk already, Fatty Fatty Two By Four.