Fabamy's Blog

Crazy life of a CenPho comedian & socialite

I’m not used to self-loathing, but I definitely feel it today. February 4, 2014

Filed under: Weight loss — fabamy @ 11:45 am

I don’t often feel shitty about myself, because I’m such an optimist. I will always see the bright side of things. Yesterday, though, I didn’t see a bright side.

I eat very nutritiously. In fact, most people see what’s in my fridge and comment about how well I eat. I don’t even use a microwave, unless I’m somewhere where there is no other option. I hate microwaves. They’re mostly used for processed food, which I rarely eat. I’ve been going to a chiropractor for adjustments, acupuncture, some physical therapy-type things like foam rolling, and now weight management. I’ve been gaining weight for the past few months. A lot of it has to do with having a boyfriend who doesn’t cook and knows zilch about food and nutrition. His pantry is full of cups of mac & cheese to add water to and heat in a microwave. His kids are like kids, and picky about what they will eat. He feeds them what he knows they will eat. One of the things we DO share, with respect to food, is that we both have a sweet tooth. They always say that when you get married (we aren’t married, but we do spend a lot of time together), that you gain weight. People get comfy with their lifestyles and get lazy. Normally, on my own, I regulate desserts and do stuff to “deserve” them. An extra walk, more veggies the rest of the day, etc. Thankfully, my boyfriend wants to learn how to eat properly. I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make healthy food more exciting to him.

I hike over 10 miles a week. Every damn week, I’m hiking. In fact, rarely does a day go by that I do not hike. I get more exercise than anyone else I know, except for those crazy people. But normally, I get more than an hour of cardio every single day. I do yoga a few times a week, from 30 to 75 minutes, depending on my schedule. And I weighed 191 yesterday.

That’s only 9 pounds from weighing 200 pounds. Me. Little, 5 foot-tall me, weighing close to 200 pounds. How the fuck did this happen??? Well, I don’t eat enough protein, apparently. I also don’t eat enough.

That’s right: You can gain weight by NOT EATING ENOUGH! I work from home, and you’d think that would be a huge food temptation, but it’s not. I often forget to eat until I am ravenous. I make fairly good choices. I eat hummus and veggies. Nuts. Salad. Quinoa. Beans. Eggs. I eat everything you are supposed to, but I don’t eat at the right times. My portions are obviously too big. I’m devastated. In 1995, most of my thyroid was removed because of a cyst. This also makes it harder to lose weight. It sucks.

I love myself. I really, truly do. I love the person I’ve become. I’m happy with my life and what I spend time on. I love owning my own business. I love living in Phoenix, so I can be outdoors just about every day. But this…this makes me loathe myself. I hate that I got this big. I have so much coming up in the next year that I want to look my best, which will make me feel my best. I certainly don’t want to go out and buy more clothes that will fit me. I make enough money to do so, but I feel like that will excuse what I’ve done to myself. I hate it. I HATE when people say “everything in moderation,” because that’s an excuse to poison your body. “Everything in moderation” is pretty much what got me here. There are a LOT of things you should never eat, like McDonald’s. Thankfully, I’m not a fast food junkie and moderating what I eat won’t be too much of a struggle.Β I’ve cried three times since leaving the chiropractor’s office. It’s the first time I’ve been unhappy with myself in a few years.

So, I’m on a better path. I’m drinking protein shakes during the day, which keeps my metabolism awake. My regular diet is really good, I just have to start paying attention to how much I eat. I’m not eating any damn donuts, that’s for sure!

I just have to stay focused on what will really benefit my body, and cut out the bullshit desserts and large portions. I don’t think it will be too hard, especially once I start to lose weight. That will be a GREAT motivator.

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16 Responses to “I’m not used to self-loathing, but I definitely feel it today.”

  1. I can relate except self loathing comes natural to me. I have been on a diet since I can remember. I finally let go in November. I added more protein. I add 20g to almond milk in the morning. And I make sure to eat meals with meat. Apparently I prefer vegetarian options. I lost 4 pounds over 2 months. It was slow but was consistent.

    • fabamy Says:

      Thanks, Rachel!
      I don’t believe in “dieting,” as I want things to just be part of my lifestyle. I love almond milk! Even though I love meat, too, I seem to not eat enough of it. Go figure!

  2. Chris Lee Says:

    I’m convinced that sugar (all forms) and white flower are the devil. Unfortunately I love them. I workout all the time but stay the same because I don’t make the needed changes in diet. And I don’t really want to. But I do want to be in shape so ???

    • fabamy Says:

      Chris I remember your rant from a few months ago about the processed crap. The thing is, I rarely eat bread. I have pasta a few times a month, but that’s it. I’m just really angry right now. And drinking a goddamn protein shake. Hahahaha!

  3. rimcountry Says:

    Hey Amy… I think I mentioned this to you before – that I didn’t really get healthy until I got sick. In case I didn’t, back in ’03 I was diagnosed with Hep C… seems I’d been carrying it around inside of me since the late 60’s, back when I was doing some really stupid stuff. Anyway, long story short, 11 months of chemo and some serious changes in the way I eat – not WHAT I eat, but when and how much – totally changed my life. Like you, I start my days with yoga and a fruit smoothie. During the day I have two snacks… doesn’t matter what it is, but I try to stay with something nutritious like nuts or yogurt. The important thing is that whatever I eat, the total amount if placed on a flat dinner plate can’t be larger than the palm of my hand. That size thing then applies to dinner, as well… no matter what it is, no single portion can take up any more space on the plate than the palm of my hand. One last thing – I try to never eat later than 5 pm, and always drink an 8oz glass of water beforehand… water aids digestion and helps curb my appetite. Not only am I healthier now than I’ve been my entire life, by my weight has been steady for the last 10 years! PS: If the weather allows (it’s snowing right now in Strawberry!), maybe I’ll run into you Thursday or Friday at Payson Community Kids… I’ll be the skinny guy with the Real Man’s haircut! πŸ˜‰

    • fabamy Says:

      Thanks, Mike!
      I start my day with a walk with Dexter, which is about 20 minutes. I then have a cup of coffee (black), and make breakfast. My breakfast consists of: quinoa, black beans, and a shitload of sauteed vegetables. I cook them with a tsp of oil (olive or coconut), and turmeric, salt, & pepper. Then, I add 2 scrambled eggs. The doctor said she wished everyone ate like me.
      I have a problem with sugar, that’s for sure, and that will be the biggest struggle. Other than that, I don’t even believe in microwaves, so I don’t eat a lot of processed foods.
      Hope to see you this weekend!

  4. Suzanne Charles Says:

    Amy you’re awesome! I know how you feel though. I was very “fluffy” from age 8-14 and then again at about age 23-24 around the time when I met you. I tried so hard to lose weight… I finally accepted myself and said f it! I love me and I’m healthy. Got married and had a baby and got to 230lbs, this crushed me. 5 months later after giving birth I was 125-130 again for the first time in a LONG time! I was overweight because I wasn’t eating enough, stress and on prednisone for RA/Lupus. When I finally started setting small goals for weight loss and saw results I was ecstatic. Now after three kids, in my 30s and different eating habits. I stand at 5’5″ and 120lbs. This is after making it to 230lbs. I know you can do it. Don’t be so hard on yourself. πŸ˜‰ xoxo

    • fabamy Says:

      Aw, thanks, Suzanne! You’ve had enough happen to your body lately, but I’m glad you don’t use it as an excuse. Even though i work from home, I don’t eat enough. THE KITCHEN IS RIGHT THERE. Hahahaha!
      I’m boiling some eggs right now to snack on the rest of the week. πŸ™‚

  5. Emily Says:

    I’ve been there. I’m proud of you and know you will be successful. Set timers to remind yourself to eat if you have too. My mom does and it really helps, otherwise she’s so busy doing a million things it’s dinner time when she looks up. xoxo

    • fabamy Says:

      It’s funny you say that, Emily, because that was my thought this morning. I have an egg timer app on Chrome that I am setting for every 3 hours. Thanks! πŸ™‚

  6. ctfit Says:

    Hey Amy! Just read this and I had to leave a comment. Keep it up! The worst thing about changing habits and what-not is quitting because of discouragement. Even if its happening SLOWWWWWWwwwww, it’s still happening. Missing parts of your thyroid is the toughest part of all this…

    • fabamy Says:

      Thanks! I feel really good, and it’s been 3 days since getting back on track. Not only am I missing most of my thyroid, but I’m also menopausal AND I quit smoking several months ago. I got the trifecta, but I’m kicking its ass. πŸ˜‰

  7. Your’e one of the sexiest women I know. No kidding. I look at you and think, GOD, I wish I had that confidence. You’re sooooo sexy. Hope you feel better soon xoxo


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