I don’t often feel shitty about myself, because I’m such an optimist. I will always see the bright side of things. Yesterday, though, I didn’t see a bright side.
I eat very nutritiously. In fact, most people see what’s in my fridge and comment about how well I eat. I don’t even use a microwave, unless I’m somewhere where there is no other option. I hate microwaves. They’re mostly used for processed food, which I rarely eat. I’ve been going to a chiropractor for adjustments, acupuncture, some physical therapy-type things like foam rolling, and now weight management. I’ve been gaining weight for the past few months. A lot of it has to do with having a boyfriend who doesn’t cook and knows zilch about food and nutrition. His pantry is full of cups of mac & cheese to add water to and heat in a microwave. His kids are like kids, and picky about what they will eat. He feeds them what he knows they will eat. One of the things we DO share, with respect to food, is that we both have a sweet tooth. They always say that when you get married (we aren’t married, but we do spend a lot of time together), that you gain weight. People get comfy with their lifestyles and get lazy. Normally, on my own, I regulate desserts and do stuff to “deserve” them. An extra walk, more veggies the rest of the day, etc. Thankfully, my boyfriend wants to learn how to eat properly. I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make healthy food more exciting to him.
I hike over 10 miles a week. Every damn week, I’m hiking. In fact, rarely does a day go by that I do not hike. I get more exercise than anyone else I know, except for those crazy people. But normally, I get more than an hour of cardio every single day. I do yoga a few times a week, from 30 to 75 minutes, depending on my schedule. And I weighed 191 yesterday.
That’s only 9 pounds from weighing 200 pounds. Me. Little, 5 foot-tall me, weighing close to 200 pounds. How the fuck did this happen??? Well, I don’t eat enough protein, apparently. I also don’t eat enough.
That’s right: You can gain weight by NOT EATING ENOUGH! I work from home, and you’d think that would be a huge food temptation, but it’s not. I often forget to eat until I am ravenous. I make fairly good choices. I eat hummus and veggies. Nuts. Salad. Quinoa. Beans. Eggs. I eat everything you are supposed to, but I don’t eat at the right times. My portions are obviously too big. I’m devastated. In 1995, most of my thyroid was removed because of a cyst. This also makes it harder to lose weight. It sucks.
I love myself. I really, truly do. I love the person I’ve become. I’m happy with my life and what I spend time on. I love owning my own business. I love living in Phoenix, so I can be outdoors just about every day. But this…this makes me loathe myself. I hate that I got this big. I have so much coming up in the next year that I want to look my best, which will make me feel my best. I certainly don’t want to go out and buy more clothes that will fit me. I make enough money to do so, but I feel like that will excuse what I’ve done to myself. I hate it. I HATE when people say “everything in moderation,” because that’s an excuse to poison your body. “Everything in moderation” is pretty much what got me here. There are a LOT of things you should never eat, like McDonald’s. Thankfully, I’m not a fast food junkie and moderating what I eat won’t be too much of a struggle. I’ve cried three times since leaving the chiropractor’s office. It’s the first time I’ve been unhappy with myself in a few years.
So, I’m on a better path. I’m drinking protein shakes during the day, which keeps my metabolism awake. My regular diet is really good, I just have to start paying attention to how much I eat. I’m not eating any damn donuts, that’s for sure!
I just have to stay focused on what will really benefit my body, and cut out the bullshit desserts and large portions. I don’t think it will be too hard, especially once I start to lose weight. That will be a GREAT motivator.