It’s taken me years to figure out when to end things, when to hold on, how to count the chances people are given.
It was pretty painful to cut someone off who really provided more sorrow than joy in my life. I’m the person who doesn’t like to judge, who isn’t really high-maintenance and gives people chances to redeem themselves, to prove that they should be a part of my life. It hurt pretty badly to take that step, but I had to. For my own good. There’s nothing like feeling worthless, especially since it’s taken me many years to find self-worth. Once the tie was cut, though, I felt good about what I had done and felt good about myself. I have value. I am a valuable person.
Maybe it’s a “cleaning out the closet” thing, being the end of the year. I really like someone, a lot, and decided that I wasn’t sure of the direction it was going, if it was going anywhere, and that I would have to make a decision. Luckily, I didn’t have to cut any ties and finally it seems there’s been a barrier broken down and things just became more…honest. Open. I’m really happy for it and hope that it’s something that lasts for a long time, because it just feels right and it also feels positive. Again, I gave this person a chance a few months ago and I’m glad I did. When someone can make me laugh and listen to thoughts, it’s worth my time. I don’t feel the lack of self-worth and that I am actually a person that’s deserving of the attention.
I’m also sad for another ending, though. My favorite book of all time, “The Secret History,” will be finished tonight. It’s a book I’ve read a few times, but each time it gets me even more. I’m about to take a long, hot bath and end it again. I always feel like something’s lost when I finish a great book like this. And though I have a stack of books next to my bed, nothing will ever compare to this one. I don’t want to hold off on finishing it, just so that I *don’t* finish it, but my heart will be broken until I can find something else to read.